“It's funny, in a human kind of way, how we can convince ourselves that we're in control at the very moment we are beginning to lose it.”
― William C. Moyers
Eating disorders promise control.
Can’t control your family dysfunction? You can control your weight instead.
Can’t keep your partner from leaving you? You can get your 18 year old body back.
Can’t prevent you and your loved ones from getting sick? You can “clean” up your eating.
At first, you do in fact feel in control, like you are putting your life in order. But who is really in control when you feel compelled to workout for hours a day, restrict your diet to the point of no longer being able to eat at a restaurant or always follow a dessert with a rush of punitive, hateful thoughts toward yourself?
When we are in the midst of an eating disorder, we feel as if we are in control. We are praised for our “will power” by outsiders but inside our brain is being controlled, not by us, but by the disorder itself, ED. ED has the power to completely consume our life until everything we once enjoyed feels distant and gray and only ED feels important.
It may seem foreign at first to believe that you are in fact not your eating disorder and that it is possible to reconnect to you, the true healthy you. However, with the proper support, you can begin to develop an awareness of which of your thoughts and behaviors are driven by ED. You can begin to understand how these thoughts and behaviors have helped you cope. With that understanding, you can distance yourself from ED’s voice. You will then have the space to start making your own choices - choices of recovery, not the eating disorder’s choices. Instead of reacting and acting upon every demand of the eating disorder (“You must get to the gym; You must not eat carbs; You must not gain weight.”) you can begin to take back control from the eating disorder by making choices in line with your true values. Values like being a good friend, being kind (to yourself and others), being honest, etc. When you have the ability to make your own choices, it will then be you who is control of your life, not ED.